What's in a name?

Well, it may not technically be wedding season for most, but it certainly is for me.  I will be attending three weddings in the next two months, and the first is this evening.  I can't help but go to weddings and imagine what mine would be like: who would attend, the flowers, etc., which is all rather new territory for me.  I and most of my girlfriends are of the breed of women who did not grow up fantasizing about our weddings; for us it was dreaming about future careers, whether it was doctor or meteorologist or fruit importer.  I'm left at these weddings with no definite idea of what I'd want and no history of my past desires now matter how silly or out of budget; I tend to feel a tad awkward and out of place.

The most awkward part of all of it is the name change.  Growing up, there were plenty of times I did not care for my name.  I've tried every version of a nickname and none of them really stuck, which is really ok for me right now.  I was much more neutral about the last name, but even if I hated it completely, it's still the definition of my identity.  To be honest, the real possibility of changing my name makes me frightened.  I will be a whole new person when I get married, and someone else's identity, no longer my own.  

The whole thing doesn't sit with me very well, not at all.  I can't imagine any of this, the wedding, the name change, new signature, passport, etc.  Why do the fundamentals of who I am have to change?  Do most women want this, or is this something they just feel expected to do?  Am I alone here?  

People have been asking me a lot lately if we're ready to get married, and I've been answering honestly: I don't know if I'm ready to get married.  Shouldn't a bride know these things about flowers and name changes?

My questioning aside, two of the three weddings this fall are my good friends (both brides) who are both very ready and very happy to be getting married.  They amaze me because they so calmly know these details and have this picture in their mind of Mr. and Mrs. which is still so fuzzy to me.   Congratulations to the Fall 2008 newlyweds!  Time to get ready for wedding number 1.